There is a whole lot of me yet to express

I have so much to say

But the words refuse to come out

Or maybe they aren’t in me yet

They aren’t formed

Need time to grow.

So I’ll wait,

Until the time is right.

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Thoughts of a Girl at a Shadow Party

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Why am I here? I don’t belong here. I don’t want to be here. So why am I here? Fucking Amber had to go and drag me along to this damn party. And there she is, dancing away like a slut with that guy. I wonder if he even knows her name. Does she know his? Why do people like to come to these parties? I know what the guys are here for. Aw crap, here she comes…

 

“Hey! Why don’t you get off that butt of yours and come dance?”

“Nah, I’m having a lot of fun sitting here watching you act like a slut.”

She’s laughing but that joke held some truth to it…

“Oh, come on. We came to party didn’t we?”

No actually, you came to party, I was forced into this…

“Yeah, but I’m not much of a dancer.”

“Bull. Shit. I’ve seen you dance.”

“Just not with horny male strangers.”

“Oh you’re no fun. I’m gonna get back out there and have a drink. You coming or what?”

“Nah, I’m good. Go forth my slutty friend.”

“Bite me.”

“Nah, I’d rather not.”

Why am I here? Should I just leave? Aw, are you serious?! Did anyone else just see that? These guys have no idea how to treat ladies… Then again, these girls don’t really know how to act like ladies. Damn. What am I doing here? I don’t fit in here. I don’t want to fit in here. Oh shit. Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshitohshit…

 

“Hey there.”

No I don’t want to dance with you…

“Hi.”

“I’m Dave.”

“Cool.”

“So you wanna dance?”

Are you serious?

“Not really.”

“Not really eh? Not really could be translated as ‘sorta but not really’. So maybe I can convince you?”

“No. I’m good, thanks though.”

“Aw come on. You’ve been sitting around this whole time. You’re at a party, so come and party!”

He’s been watching me? Creep.

“I don’t want to dance with you, sorry.”

“Aw okay, I see how it is.”

Finally. Now I think it’s time for me to get outta here before… Nope. Nevermind.

 

“Hey, guess what.”

“What is it Amber?”

“I think I might be heading back home with this guy I’ve just met at the bar.”

“What’s his name?”

“He’s so cute, you have to come see him.”

“And what’s his name?”

“So, have you met anyone yet? I saw that guy talking to you.”

“He wanted to dance.”

“So why didn’t you dance with him?”

“I didn’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because what? He’s a horny male stranger? Who cares! We’re here to party, and dance. So loosen up already!”

Why is she storming off though? I don’t get how someone can get so mad over someone else not wanting to dance with horny male strangers. You do you. Let me be me.

 

“Hi again!”

Holy fucking shit. Can’t a girl get a break? Why is he here again… with his friend???

“Um hi…”

“Let me introduce you to my friend Matt. You said you didn’t want to dance with me, so I thought you meant maybe you’d prefer to dance with someone else. So here you go. Have fun you two.”

Okay, why is this Dave guy winking at his friend? … And why is his friend smirking at me?

“Hey, I’m Matt.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Can’t drink. I’m driving.”

“Aw, that’s cool. Designated driver. I respect that.”

Yeah… this dude is definitely drunk, he reeks of booze. And why is my being simply responsible and not wanting to die of drunk driving all of a sudden worthy of respect? Driving while drunk is stupid, I thought everyone knew that but nope. People these days… I swear.

“If you came here to get me to dance with you, you’re wasting your time.”

“Alright alright. So you don’t like dancing. We can do something else.”

He’s smirking at me again. Why is he leaning in closer? I feel like hurling.

“I’m leaving. See ya.”

Why am I here? I don’t know. But I’m sure as hell not staying.

 

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving Amber. You’re going home with that guy anyway, right?”

“Well, yeah. But you don’t have to leave. I don’t get you. You love dancing. What’s the difference if you’re dancing with guys?”

“You don’t get it. I’m just not like that.”

“Like what? A slut? Just because I dance with guys doesn’t mean I’m a slut!”

It’s not the fact you dance with guys, it’s the way you dance with guys. Guys who couldn’t give two shits about you and only want you for one thing tonight.

“I know.”

“And just because you’re such a virgin-goodie-two-shoes doesn’t mean you’re better than me!”

But you know I’m not a virgin.

“I know.”

“So then why are you leaving? … Hello! I’m talking to you! Answer me! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?!”

Because I don’t want to dance with horny male strangers who don’t even care to know my name.