It’s All Him

Somewhere in March of this year I fell for a boy.

I remember the moment perfectly. After our first kiss, I looked into his eyes and he smiled. That smile. That’s all it took. I fell hard, all at once.

He wasn’t the usual kind of boy, the kind who is inconsistent and shadowy. The kind who plays with your feelings just because he knows he has the power to. And trust, this guy had the power to play with mine.

No, he was nothing like that.

He reverberated life off him, gave everything and everyone he came into contact with more vigor and vitality rather than pulling them down like most people do these days.

But this guy, he was so different and it made me want him, so badly. He’s been mine for a while now but I still want him. Every. Single. Day.

He’s made such an impact on me, he’s changed my life and I doubt he even knows it.

I don’t think he realizes what he does to me.

If you see me walking around with an extra bounce in my step, if you catch me in a moment of silence where it looks like I’m pondering and I smile to myself, if you notice that I am genuinely happier now then I ever was… it’s all his doing. It’s all him.

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Girls: They’re either bitches, or too “flirty”.

So, I’ve been hearing a lot about the fact that many girls are going through what I’ve been through COUNTLESS times.

Let me explain.

I’m a really nice person. At least, I try to be. I’m never rude, and I try my best to be polite and to never hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m very conscience of how I treat others. So when people talk to me, I talk back. I’m very sociable (when I get comfortable with someone), so I tend to talk a lot. There’s no problem here, right? That’s what I thought until…

Too many boys thought I was flirting with them. They took my kindness as me flirting. Um, no. I’m just nice like that. And now I’m hearing from my little sister, that it’s the same for her and a lot of her girlfriends. If girls are really nice to some boys, most boys will take it as they like them.

Okay, not the biggest problem in the world, I get that. But it gets really annoying when it starts to complicate friendships, or for example, when my little sister starts to be called a slut for being nice to these guys that thought she “led them on.” Puh-lease.

It’s not our fault that these guys misinterpret our smiley-faces via text. Smiley faces, people. They aren’t code for “I love you.”

It’s all really stupid, because if us girls AREN’T nice? Oh, well then we’re fucking bitches. Like, no. Maybe we start acting like “bitches” because guys can’t take the hint that we don’t like them in that way. Guys can’t take a hint. We have to start acting blunt, dry, stuck-up, rude, and – well – bitchy, in order for them to realize “Oh, hey… maybe she really just isn’t interested.”

And let me tell you – it’s not fair. If we’re nice to a boy- it means we have to really like the guy. If we’re not nice – it means we’re bitches.

I feel like maybe there are just way too many girls out there that are over-confident, stuck-up and may seem like bitches on the surface, so when a guy finally meets a genuinely nice girl, they think she’s being nice because she likes him. I don’t know. I may be wrong, but that’s just a theory of mine. And my sister backs me up on this.

Was looking through my journal and came across a passage that got me thinking

Excerpt from my journal:

August 13, 2012

“And I felt a huge sense of  relief when it was over. I think it’s because I realized I was looking for something he could never give me. And he was never a man I could see myself falling in love with. There was always something about him that threw me off. He just wasn’t for me.”

This passage from my journal means a lot to me. And if you keep reading, I promise this isn’t all lovey dovey shit.

Long story short, I was seeing this guy for about 3 months over the summer. As you can see, our summer romance ended short. But unlike most girls infatuated with a handsome guy, I took the breakup better than most. That’s because I always felt like something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what. He was great. A respectful and admirable young man. We rarely fought, and things seemed to be going well. Nonetheless our relationship was subtly off-putting.

Reflecting on it now, I realize why.  He never inspired me. And although he did encourage my writing and push me in the direction towards conquering my fears, which I will forever be thankful for, he never let me do the things he spoke about. He dominated my time, he demanded attention, and in a metaphorical sense sucked the creativity out of me. It’s a really hard concept to explain, but I promise you it makes sense in my head. During the time I was with him, I never wrote. Not one single piece of writing (minus my journal entries, which was ridiculously mostly about him and the times we had, so it wasn’t all that creative).

When it was all over, I instantly felt better. I felt a sense of independence.

OK, OK. Before it was officially over, there was the fight, and that got me depressed, I can’t lie. He told me he was seeing another girl and that he didn’t know who he liked better, me or this girl. In a roundabout way, he was telling me he kept us both around for his convenience until he could decide. Either way, he wins, and one or both of us would lose out when he made his decision to be with one of us or remain single. The son of a bitch dominated my thoughts for the next few days. I kept thinking, “what does this girl have over me?” After a while, it dawned on me how stupid and immature I was being.

The guy barely knew me. We were seeing each other for little over 3 months, not giving either of us enough time to get to know each other truly. So, I stopped being so insecure, realized my great qualities, and moved on. Just like that. I knew I didn’t deserve to be just another option for this selfish guy, so I took myself out of the situation. I told him I was making his life easier by making his decision for him. He could either be with the other girl, or stay single, because I needed to start focusing on improving myself as a person and as a writer. I needed to move on to bigger and better things, and direct my attention towards things that mattered – my education, writing, and future.

I was proud of myself for doing what was best for me, and not giving into infatuation and irrational decisions based purely on emotions that wouldn’t last.

Romance isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe I’m being cynical, but it’s my opinion. That being said I haven’t given up hope about finding love. It’ll happen eventually, I know it. For right now though, it’s not all that necessary. I’m still young, and I personally find the road to success much more exciting.